Russ

01:09 pm: Lets See...
Oh the changes. Seems like I've been changing so many things lately. Things that I wasn't sure would be sustainable, but seemed like a good idea at the time. Turns out that I seem to have more of a capacity for change than I previous thought. Getting rid of my car so we could get a sensible family hauler was the first sign that things in my scatterbrain weren't the same as usual. And, after about a week of laying in bed at night thinking about when I was going to be able to get another car, the car jones went away. At first it was a struggle to replace the car thoughts with other, more-productive thoughts, but then the car thoughts just stopped being at the forefront of my mind. Sure I still have the random, "Damn I wish I hadn't gotten rid of my car" thoughts, but they're few and far between.

A reason for the change might have something to do with goals. I've tried to figure out what my long-term goal is and tailor my life/thoughts to support that goal. So what's the goal? Turns out it's money. Not just money for money's sake, but money for what it can provide. That is, security, freedom, and peace of mind. When I don't have enough money to do basic things like go out for a beer once-in-a-while or buy some new shoes when I need them, it makes me cranky. When I don't have enough money to buy my wife something nice once-in-a-while, it makes me (irrationally) feel like a bad husband. When I don't have enough money going into a retirement plan or savings, it makes me feel like I'm going to end up like my folks and have to work until I'm 105. So, while I know money can't solve everything and isn't an end unto itself, it will give me the ability to kind of get on with some things in life I feel have been on hold...like kids. It'd be nice to have enough money to support a child and have something left over so I'm not resentful of the little nipper. Some people want kids more than anything else, so it's not an issue, but I want kids AND some stuff to myself that isn't kid-oriented. I think that's possible, it just takes a little more money.

The thing is, the changes I'm making in my life to support my goal don't bring in money by themselves. Well, the giving up of the car did and canceling my World of Warcraft account after years of playing certainly saved a little money, but I'm now to the point of looking at how I spend my time and am I doing things in my daily life that are furthering my goal of becoming an accountant, which will allow me to make more money. Toward that end, I stopped drinking coffee. I'm pretty much only drinking green tea now. Turns out that coffee made me a little too unstable with ups and downs throughout the day. Plus, it made my stomach feel like crap since I don't eat a lot during the day. Emotional instability and nausea do not make for a positive experience when trying to focus on schoolwork. I've also been trying to keep up with current business and world events and read the New York Times website more than I read Autoblog. The latter is pure entertainment, which is nice once-in-a-while, but it doesn't give me the same insights into the world as the former. Plus, I'm really trying hard not to be an American who doesn't know anything about what's going on in the world outside of what the local news presents.

It's been an interesting mix of things lately. The lack of coffee has made me feel a little less connected to things around me, but keeping up with current events has made me feel more connected to the world as a whole. My mental net has been cast much wider than ever before. That's probably good, because the local waters of my mind have been over-fished for years.

11:36 am: Street Fighter
I'm getting mildly frustrated (oh, there's something new) with bicyclists lately. I've been trying to foster a working relationship with them for some time now. In all honesty, I don't want bikes on the street or the sidewalk or anywhere near any place I might drive. But, I get the purpose they serve, the resources they save, the exercise they give, etc. I just like to drive more than most things and anything that doesn't help me with driving just gets in the way of driving.

I've come to understand the ways of the Portland pedestrian mainly by just being one. I try to be a good pedestrian and don't cross against the light if someone's waiting to make a right turn and my walking will interrupt their being able to go on green. Perhaps it's because I'm not a Portland bicyclist, but I just can't get on board with bicycles downtown. I guess the problem is that our city says, "Hey, bikers, we love you and want you." But then there are many streets without bike lanes, so the bikers have to ride with traffic or on the sidewalk.

I'd be down with this if all bicyclists could keep up with traffic. Sure, the bike messengers and younger riders can easily keep up with traffic, but there are plenty of corporate bicyclists who just get in the way. You know the guys; mid-life-bulge hanging over bicycle shorts, mirrors on the helmet, probably grey-bearded. Then there's the hardcore cyclists who ride the Tour de France bikes (along with complete Tour de France matching outfit) who are always in the wrong gear and either take forever to get moving again or never stop for lights and stop signs. These are the same people who often populate my favorite winding mountain roads at 6 AM on a Sunday morning. Go to church or something you freaks! You do not belong on a steep, steep 55 MPH speed limit mountain road going 3 MPH next to a sheer drop-off. I know you think this is a free country, but it's not. If you ride on any incline greater than 8 degrees you enter a fascist state run by automobile drivers...and sometimes those high school boys who run cross-country.

From a downtown standpoint, I don't know that mixed-use transportation areas really serve the users as well as possible. Sidewalks aren't really made to accommodate bikers or skaters. Streets aren't any better. A longboard is great transportation unless you have to stop or avoid a crowd. Bikes on sidewalks are a little dangerous since no one has those little bell things that we used to have as kids and with the advent of the iPod, no one can hear anyway. I mean, sidewalks are bad enough already just trying to navigate around the vapid girl on her cell phone, the old couple with nowhere to go or the tourists.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but a great solution would be to disallow cars downtown. Everyone parks outside the city and takes some form of transit into the city center. If you ride a bike, you wouldn't need to park n' ride, but just ride. If you drive a car and don't have a folding bike, you'd pay the price of driving by having to wait for mass transit or hoofing it into the city. It just seems that by being so permissive in our transportation system and trying to accommodate everyone is just going to end up not being a great solution for anyone. We're Portland. We know we're going to have rebellious cats who don't follow the rules of driving, biking, walking, skating, etc. So why don't we work some of that into our systems? I mean, big, green bike boxes at certain intersections? Really? Is putting a bicyclist in front of a a giant SUV driven by a lady from Beaverton talking on her cell phone really the answer? Seems like all they're doing is saving the bicyclists the emotional pain of seeing their death coming. I guess there is something very Portland to that. Nothing more organic than smooshed human.

10:28 am: Street Shout-Out
Today's post goes out to my favorite construction worker. Well, she's not necessarily a construction worker, but she's always working around construction. She's the woman who directs traffic around busy work sites. Right now a significant chunk of southern Portland streets are being torn up as construction is also going on for a new structure on campus. Driving is a mess and both pedestrians and drivers are on edge. However, there's this one woman who works for one of the construction companies who always puts a smile on my face. Perhaps because she's always got a smile on hers. I've seen her in many intersections over the past couple years and she's always the same. She is overly tanned from working outside and her hair is overly blonde and stringy under her hard hat. However, she always has a giant smile on her face and always has a "Honey", "Sweetie", "Sugar" or "Dear" for the folks crossing the street. I don't know how she does it. I mean, she doesn't have Down Syndrome or anything, so she's not obviously predisposed to being happy. Whatever it is, she's either an excellent faker or has just found her niche. Either way, I salute her.

10:30 am: Pregnant Paws
Well here's a surprise. I think I'm depressed. It even surprised me. Can one truly be surprised by depression? It seems like surprise takes some excitation and I'm not mustering much of that lately. I haven't sorted out the feelings yet, but I think it may have something to do with getting rid of my car. While I know it was a good logical decision and it's saving us a buncha' money/month, I think it was serving some purpose that I didn't know about until it was gone.

Maybe I'm not clinically depressed, but I do find myself caring less and sighing more. So I guess I just have clinical ennui. So, to sum up my current situation: Status Quo - Excitation = Clinical Ennui.

And, I have an overwhelming desire for a fruit roll-up. Maybe I'm pregnant.

10:13 am: A couple years ago I felt like I was on information overload. I was learning an all-new job, going to school and was newly married. There was just too much new information coming in and not enough time to process it; like a Tetris game where you can't move the pieces side-to-side and they just stack up and you lose. I feel like I'm finally at a point in my life where the information I receive/process has appropriate compartments and therefore doesn't just build up in a nonsensical way. I never realized before this that it's not just the information that I'm putting into my head that's important, but that my brain has the correct structure and capacity to store and process the information.

Just as working in a retail job should be mandatory to get a driver's license, so should taking some kind of class to figure out how to process information in a way that it's more applicable to life than another episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

10:16 am: I have the same problem at school that I did at work. No, not that stupid person who would burn the microwave popcorn or the other stupid person who would chat on the phone all day with her friends next to me. I mean the fact that after lunch I'm pretty much worthless. I could get in at 6 AM and work until 1 PM or so, but after that I just wanted a nap. Same deal with school. My morning classes go well, but after lunch I just want to leave. It doesn't help that one of those afternoon classes is full of annoying engineering guys and the other one is in Spanish.

Oh...wait a minute...I'm in a morning class now and this teacher is the human equivalent of burnt
popcorn with the personality of an engineering student.

11:24 am: What the hell?
It seems I've become responsible. We got a new car this weekend. Traded in my solely fun, impractically fast Evo for a completely responsible and practical Mazda3 hatchback so we can put the dog in the back and get the good gas mileage and all that jazz. I find myself feeling like I came out ahead because we'll be saving ~$250/month in payments, gas, etc. I got rid of something fun and impractical for something cushy and practical and I feel the end sum is positive? What happened? At 35 am I finally becoming an 'adult'? That can't be the case, because there are plenty of people I would call 'adult' who don't have a sense of financial responsibility. It's becoming sort of like a game for me. The game is called 'How Much Fun Can Be Had Using the Least Amount of Cash?' Why couldn't someone have taught me this game when I was six? Is this something you can teach kids and have them think it's fun while not letting on that it's also good for them? With my luck, I'd teach this to kids and they'd use it as an excuse to steal things. And, as long as they don't get caught, doesn't that kind of make me a good teacher? Too bad there aren't street urchins anymore. I could have me a whole passel of those.

11:14 am: You know how I know you're gay?
You have a chin-strap beard.

And by "gay", I mean the furthest thing from hot, homosexual men. I'm talking Vanilla Ice gay. I'm talking kids from the Real World gay. I'm talking camouflage hat from Old Navy standing next to the girl with the 3-inch-heel-fuzzy-with-tassles Ugh (sic) Boots gay.

10:17 am: A New Game
I've started doing this new thing to entertain myself during school. We're now a buncha' weeks into the quarter so people have all found seats that they like and sit there every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I've started picking people out of the class and sitting in the seat in which they normally sit. I then pretend to be reading something when they come in, but I'm secretly looking for their reaction to me sitting in 'their' seat. And, before you think I'm a mean passive-aggressive SOB for doing this, I have to say that it wasn't my initial plan to do this.

One day I went to a class and someone was sitting in the seat where I normally sit. (This is sounding very 3 bears) So, I had to find another place to sit. Of course, it's a full class, so I was then sitting in someone else's seat. When that person came in, he was just dumbfounded that I was in his seat. At that point I decided that 1) I would try to move my seat around so I don't get upset if someone has been eating my porridge...errr, sitting in my seat, 2) it's good for me to view the world (even the world of a classroom) from a different position as much as possible, and 3) it's fun to kinda' mess with other people's false sense of regularity.

Even if you don't go to school, try this in other places. At meetings, at church, or even on the couch in the family room. Sit in someone else's unassigned seat. It's a good way to change your view of the world and, if you're really lucky, engage someone in a discussion about sense of entitlement and some odd biological need for normalcy. If you're really unlucky, you'll sit in the seat of a severely overweight man who doesn't see you and sits on you. Then he notices you, but in your flattened state he thinks you're a fruit roll-up and eats you.

10:08 am: Recipe for Meet Stew
I've gotta' take a class or read a book or something on how to confront people in a happy, chummy way. I find myself sitting and stewing about things too often because I can't form thoughts about someone who is bugging me that don't involve face punching. Like the cud-chewing-gum-smacker behind me in class who sounds like she's got a piece of pasta halfway down her throat and halfway out her gob for 60 minutes straight. Or the kid talking to his pimply-faced, hockey-jersey-wearing friend about how badass he was when he sucker-punched a drunk guy. I've got to come up with something to say to these people that doesn't start (and end) with "Hey, can you do me a favor and please fall off a building, light yourself on fire or just shut the fuck up?" I mean, I said, "Please", what else can I do? Drinking and smoking between classes might work, but by the end of the day I'd probably be wholly unprepared for Spanish class. Drunk, cigarette-smelling English does not equal any dialect of Spanish. Well, maybe in Tijuana, but certainly not this far north of the border.

And, not speaking of the Super Bowl, the best part of it for me was seeing the Terminator robot trounce the weird football robot Fox Sports uses before commercial breaks. And people say I'm too much of a geek to know anything about sports. Ha! I guess I showed them...

12:44 am: Ask a Silly Question
Have you ever gone and seen a live band and the person performing seems almost euphoric in their expressions? I think it's the sign of a person who is truly loving what they do - like they were made to do that thing. When they're schleping in their equipment, they don't look that way. When you see them on the street they don't look that way. But, up on stage they look like there's nothing else in the world but them and their instrument.

Now does this ever happen with people who don't work on stage? Do accountants ever have the look of euphoria as they pour over numbers? Do physicians barely contain their delight behind those masks as they slice someone open for heart surgery? Is there the same pleasure to be had sitting behind a desk all day as there is performing in front of an audience for 45 minutes every couple weeks?

I'd like to think that everyone is made to do something and can find delight in that thing. Is it better to make a ton of cash than to have temporary moments of absolute (and non-drug-induced) euphoria? Or, should one just do that thing where one feels in his element no matter what the repercussions for the rest of his life?

I've also been wondering whether it's better to live in a cave looking inward and being happy than turning around and facing the unknown of the world. I always fall on the side of turning around and facing the whole of the world, but in a life with a limited number of years, does it really make sense to give up a sure thing in search of something that may or may not be better? Does risk really outweigh known happiness? At the extremes, I feel like it's the difference between being a Down's Syndrome kid or an explorer in space. That is, unexamined joy or the search for novelty. Maybe we can send a Down's kid into the farthest reaches of space and ask him how he feels.

03:56 pm: Bird Brained
I've been outta' work too long. It occurred to me after starting work at Starbucks (again!) and finding myself overwhelmed between that and school. I used to work 7 days/week, 10 hours/day at an overly stressful job. Now I work 4 hours wearing an apron and I'm all, "Man, I need a day off!"

I also need to get myself some sort of calendaring/scheduling system, because I'm losing days left and right. I completely lost track of last week and therefore missed the Oregon Trail Rally (AGAIN!). Aaargh! I'm sure that caused a certain amount of eye-rolling for a red-headed Metro driver. Sorry 'bout that.

The thing is that I need a schedule that reminds me to schedule things and check my schedule, but that isn't so bulky that I don't want to bring it with me everywhere and isn't so expensive that it's cost prohibitive. I'm wondering how much it'd be to get a really smart, talking bird. Like a pirate's parrot. It would just sit on my shoulder and squawk once-in-a-while to alert me to important events. The downside would be the poop on my shirt, but it could remind me to clean that off too...or to wear a rain slicker. Maybe a poncho. A pirate poncho! I think I'll invent some sort of bird poop pouch like those pouches put on horses that pull carriages around New York. Or, I could just incorporate it into my poncho; the poop pouch poncho. Order quickly. Operators are standing by.

03:05 pm: Today I saw this guy in the park would could only be described as the Rasta Santa Pigeon Savior. I was so unhappy not to have my camera with me. Long white beard and white dreads put up under a pink version of one of those tall, stovepipe Rasta-esque hats. The great thing was that he was surrounded by pigeons who were literally eating out of his hands. He had seed in his palms and the birds would perch right in his palms. He would stretch out his arms like some sort of aviary savior and then bring one hand close and kiss the back of a pigeon as it continued to feed from his fingers.

Yes, judging by his attire and actions he is probably a crazy homeless man. And, yes, I know how gross it is to put mouth to pigeon. But, for that minute that I walked by, I found myself envying Pigeon Santa because I knew I would probably never have an experience like his.

03:59 pm: Back in business
Yeesh, seems like it was only 7 months ago that I was working 10 hours/day 7 days/week only to get wrongfully terminated from my craptastic job. Oh, wait...it was. Reason for dismissal when I asked, "Well, you should know..." Yup, how could I argue with logic like that? Lets see, being happy, working my butt off, trying to make things better, taking a decrease in pay just so I could work this job....yup, I should know, but I don't.

Needless to say, getting fired sometimes sucks. Especially a couple weeks after moving into a new house and staring at a new mortgage payment. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the wonderful unemployment department of Oregon. It's been a fun 6 months.

Now I'm back at school full-time, which means only one thing. Instead of just one class/quarter of ridiculous people saying and doing ridiculous things, I now have four! I mean, how can I be expected to keep up with the innane comments of Front-Row-Center Girl in all of those classes?!

As I sit here overlooking the Park blocks on a sun's-shining-but-it's-pouring-down-rain Oregon day, I can't help but think of what a great thing it was to be fired from a job that really wasn't going to get me anywhere and to go back to school to finish up a degree that's been 17 years in the making. Now if I can only figure out how to explain why I'm the only [supposed] 19-year-old with a giant bald spot, I'll be able to fit right in.

12:37 pm: Sasquatch
I think my arm hair is growing. I was just writing and looked down at my wrist and, for the first time, noticed that my arm hair is starting to inch it's way up the back of my hand. You know that old "...like the back of my hand" phrase? Well, I always thought it was dumb because I didn't ever look at the back of my hand. Man, I wish I had. Perhaps I could've prevented this werewolfism.

Come to think of it, my eyebrows have been going a little crazy lately. Hmmm...our cat did bite me a couple weeks ago. Perhaps I'm going to turn into a creature just like him. That is, hairy, fat, lazy and cranky. Perhaps this is what happens to all old men. We'd stay young forever if it wasn't for those darn cats sucking out our souls while we sleep.

10:29 am: Not sure why I like this, but I do
In Richard Wilbur's poem Epistemology, he writes:

We milk the cow of the world, and as we do
We whisper in her ear, "You are not true."

08:01 am: Long Time Coming
So what was it this morning that got me to break my non-journaling slump? The Starbucks that I frequent every day has a shiny new sandwich oven sitting on the counter.

While I know this might not seem like a big deal to some, I will tell you the same thing I told the baristas behind the counter. "When I used to work for Starbucks, back in the day, they were adamant about never serving hot foods in the stores because it would interfere with the coffee smell...Fuckers." The baristas nodded in silent agreement, unable to speak their resentment, knowing Howard Schultz hears all.


And, because it has been so long, here is the another revelation for the day;
I saw a Hummer go by. Just an H2, but that has no become the default Hummer. Several other urban SUVs passed by with business-suited men behind the wheel. I was thinking of my upcoming move (we closed on our first house yesterday) and thinking that it might be nice to have a larger vehicle. I quickly came to my senses. Remember, kids, it's always better to haul ass than to haul crap. And that's...one to grow on.

04:53 pm: A Beastly Day
Looks like I made it through 6/6/06 without any fire raining from the sky or having to sacrifice and eat any babies. That's good, because babies are all trans fat.

I really didn't expect the Tuesday of the Beast to be so 72 and sunny. I wonder if the devil really had something big planned, but ended up just wanting to have lunch in the Park Blocks instead. That sly fox.

There's this new girl on my floor who looks like Anne, George Michael's girlfriend from Arrested Development, only like 8 years out from the show. She seems kinda nice in a creepy way.

11:07 am: Perspective
A Conversation With a Mouse

One day a mouse called to me from his curly nest:
"How do you sleep? I love curliness."
"Well, I like to be stretched out. I like my bones to be
All lined up. I like to see my toes way off over there."

"I suppose that's one way," the mouse said,
"but I don't like it.
The planets don't act that way, nor the Milky Way."

What could I say? You know you're near the end
Of the century when a sleepy mouse brings in the Milky Way.

-Robert Bly

12:26 pm: That Time Already?
I have a warm, happy belly full of Elephant Deli macaroni and cheese. I have a 4 day weekend only 3.5 hours away. It feels like the last day of school. I'm terribly unproductive and just want to go drive about in the rain.

It's my one-year anniversary of marriage to myswandive on the 28th. She sent me roses and donuts at work today. Now that's a good woman.

And, before you ask, no, I didn't send her flowers. I know, I know, bad husband. I thought of doing saying, "Look, honey, I got you the exact same arrangement you got for me! that's SO weird! We're so N'sync with each other!" But, I got a smart one, so that kind of thing doesn't work.